Ton Bisscheroux on Europe Summer Retreat, 'Who Am I?'

Shares Personal Experience in Overcoming an Addiction

View from BuchenauThis year's summer retreat in Europe from August 2-8, was different from previous years. Because we could not meet in person in Buchenau, Germany, this year's retreat with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche was held online via Zoom. Previously held with six or seven translators, this time Rinpoche's teachings in English were translated only into German in real time.

This German-speaking retreat was organized by Ligmincha Berlin, Ligmincha Germany, Ligmincha Austria and Ligmincha Switzerland. Of course, people from other countries were welcome. There was one participant from South Korea and several participants from non-German-speaking European countries. About 100 participants attended the retreat.

Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche taught from his poem "Who Am I?" The poem is about freedom and self-liberation, how we can let go of our imagined identity and recognize our true nature. We can connect to our limitless potential, which allows us to manifest everything we really are. Rinpoche guided us in meditations that he has developed to enable us to access the deep source within ourselves and to explore and transcend deep layers of our personality on this journey to self-realization.

It was really nice that in this six-day online retreat, the time schedule was almost the same as when we were in Buchenau in past years. We started at 7.30 a.m. with tsa lung, guided by a Ligmincha teacher, and ended at 7.30 p.m. Every morning we had a teaching with Rinpoche, and during a second morning session we practiced, shared and asked questions. In the afternoons we had breakout rooms on Zoom and a teaching from a guest teacher. The evening practice, guided by a Ligmincha teacher, was similar to the practice that Rinpoche had done during the day.

Three things were done in this retreat that were never done before in the Ligmincha sangha. First, we had breakout rooms on Zoom, where participants could meet. About 5 to 10 people came to each breakout room to have personal conversations, much like sitting around a dining room table. Each breakout session, with a host present, lasted about an hour, and participants could enter and leave as they wished. If you wanted to have a private conversation with someone, you could go to one of 10 private breakout rooms. It was nice to talk to people I didn't know yet, and to see old friends there.

Second, three guest teachers who spoke in the afternoon on different topics: Tsering Wangmo Khymsar, Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche's wife; Geshe Denma Gyaltsen; and Alejandro Chaoul-Reich. It was interesting and inspiring to hear their stories about prayer flags, rituals around dying, the refuge tree and using practices with cancer patients.

And third, we had an online party. In Buchenau, as at some other retreats with Rinpoche, it has been a tradition to present our creativity in the form of music, sketches, poems or other offerings on the final evening of the retreat. It was fun, but a bit strange that we could not hear the response or applause from the online audience.

During the retreat, in exploring Who Am I? Rinpoche invited us to look at our own pain. What specific pain identity is directly impacting this moment in my life? The main focus of the practice was to recognize ourselves in a way that would lead to a transformation or healing. Every difficulty in life has to do with the sense of our inner identity. Rinpoche helped us focus on a condition in our lives in the hope that something would shift. We were invited to look at one of the following categories and work with that issue during the whole retreat.

• The inner wound. When we are in pain, we think it is connected to someone else, whether our family, boss or others. We all have our stories, but these are not important. What matters is how we are able to let go of these stories, which really are related to the "I" and how this "I" has processed them or not.
• Profession or purpose in life. We want to be good at our job, or a good teacher, a good friend, etc. Here, we could ask ourselves what prevents us from being good, blooming in life, being successful. What makes us happy?
• Relationship with others. Searching for individualistic happiness is not the source of happiness. True happiness comes from connection, whether this is spiritual, or with friends and family, or even with an enemy. Not being connected, which primarily means connection to yourself, makes us suffer. Here, we could ask ourselves what relationship is important for us, what relationship makes us suffer.
• Addiction. We can be addicted to many things, including food, behavior, collecting spiritual books or teachings. We get sick, grumpy, unhappy because of addiction. If we want to change it, we first must recognize it in ourselves.

I chose to work with addiction and, more specifically, fighting my famous person, which had become an addiction for me. This person triggered me, made me angry and upset, got under my skin. I perceive this person, a powerful public figure, as manipulative, a liar, a bully, although there were others who admired him. I was afraid of what he could do, and he reminded me of people who did terrible things that hurt me when I was a kid. And even though I knew that fighting him was not good, I could not stop. Every day I looked on the internet for information that would comfort me, because I hoped he would be held accountable for his actions. Further, I was fighting him on Twitter, responding to misinformation and lies, signing petitions. When I did these things, I felt that I was no longer helpless, but it did not give me peace. I felt disconnected, powerless. I had to fight harder, think of something to rebuke him.

When I shared this, it was Rinpoche's kind and loving response that made me realize and feel that fighting is not the right response. I felt as if Rinpoche absorbed my pain speech and sent me love, enabling me to make a shift from my head to my heart. I was able to cultivate compassion both for myself and for my famous person. That was something I knew I should do, but now I was able to bring it into practice.

After the retreat, I stopped fighting my famous person; I unsubscribed from all the emails with information about him, and any requests to sign petitions. Since then, this famous person no longer haunts me, because I was able to self-liberate from this addiction. I am surprised and happy that I no longer feel the urge to fight and read about my famous person, and I feel at ease and more connected to myself. This was an experience of openness I never had before, and I am trying to cultivate that in other areas of my life.