How to Deal with Our Parents

Teachings from Recent Online Retreat with Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

Chamma Ling Poland

In August 2020, Ligmincha Poland hosted an online retreat on the Body of Light, attended by more than 800 people from around the world. During question-and-answer sessions, several students shared stories about their difficult relationship with their parents. Rinpoche elaborated on the subject, and talked about how we can use the teachings and our practice to heal and to have a fuller relationship. Here are some of Rinpoche’s comments, compiled by international correspondent Ton Bisscheroux.

Anger Toward Parents
Several people have shared that they feel anger toward their parents, particularly their mother. The emotional anger is there; you can feel it in any part of your body. Me as a daughter or son, the pain identity, feels neglected by the mother. But when I feel anger in my heart, my pain identity is not looking at the pain and is not bringing light into the pain. My mind is going back 10 or 15 years, looking at my mother and thinking about what she did or didn’t do and what I needed.

Challenges in Our Upbringing
I see differences in the culture. I talk a lot about this with my wife, Tsering. We were born in India from Tibetan refugee families. Our lives had hardships; we lived in poverty and had challenges in our upbringing. Like many people who left Tibet, our parents had to leave everything behind and went through all kind of difficult situations. Our parents were not enlightened beings, and there are things they did wrong as parents, but we both have enormous respect for them. We don’t feel any sense of hurt or misuse. I wish I could have served my parents more and given more to them. If there is any regret, it is in relationship with my mother, because at the time she needed my help, there was nothing I could do. When I hear people complain about their mother, I say that they have an amazing opportunity to serve their parents.

Getting Stuck in Our Stories and How We Can Liberate Them
Open yourself to fully feel what is in your heart. Maybe you are so numb that you don’t feel the pain in your heart. The reason the pain has stayed so long is because of your stories. Every time you repeat a story it gives extra extension to exist in your heart. It is a memory, and each time you remember it, it is like making an extra copy on your computer. You have so many copies that you don’t know which was the original. You may be working hard to clear the pain in your heart, but maybe you are deleting a copy, not the source, so your work is wasted. What should you do? No more no stories, no more copies, and try to get to the root.

You can get stuck in family, professional or political stories. Why are we attracted to the negative story? The pain identity will die if there is no story. The pain identity wants to survive and therefore it needs stories. Being aware of that is helpful to let go of the story.

When you are aware of this and do not engage in the pain story, what should you do? Recognize how exhausted you are and rest in your body, speech and mind. We need to rest; society needs to rest. We need to sleep more, eat less—that is my mantra. These two simple things will probably change your health. When we rest, we become fresh, joyful, clear, we can focus on what matters. When we focus on what matters, the stories no longer matter. You live the life that you have; you no longer live a life that you do not have.

The story is not important here, because the practice we do is not psychoanalysis. This is dzogchen meditation, so what you should do is cut the story. In the Bön teachings the story is not important in the process of healing. I do not get into the story, and I do not want to deny and disconnect from the real experience of what is happening. I feel anger and my heart is hurting, my body is draining, my mind is getting obscured by this emotion. This is what I am going to work with.

Focus on Now, Not on What You Have Missed
In the Bön teachings it is important to focus on what you are feeling and not on what you are not feeling or missing. Focus on what is obviously present in your feelings, even when the experiences are, from your point of view, negative or unpleasant. From another viewpoint it could be wonderful that you are feeling anger, especially if you could not feel the anger for a long time. When you are feeling anger, go closer and acknowledge it. Connect and bring the light of awareness to the anger, because the anger needs it the most. If your attention is not on what is present, you are not looking at the anger. You are looking at a past story, what you missed, such as acknowledgement, care or love from your mother.

Whatever is present, there is a value and a purpose for it. Your issue is not your mother; it is not what has happened. Your issue is that you are unable to acknowledge the present moment and the lively anger you are feeling. Avoiding this feeling instead of connecting with it is the issue. In a larger sense there is no good and bad. It is important to be aware of whatever is. When you are aware of what is, that is always good. That is called Samantabhadra [Kuntu Zangpo]—all good. If there is pain and you are aware of it, this awareness clears the pain. If it is joy and you are aware of it, it increases and matures the joy. It finds its voice, it finds its purpose, it manifests in your life, it heals your body, it changes your world.

Accept Change
Sometimes you might wonder if a human can ever change. But if you look, you can see things always change. The only way to bring about change in your life is not to run away from challenges, to see them as opportunities instead of obstacles. Get closer to them. Do not expect the Body of Light and avoid the heaviness of your body. Do not expect love from the mother and avoid the anger you feel toward her. Don’t play those games. If you feel anger toward your mother, that is where you want to go closer. You run away from the anger you are feeling; you long for the love you are not feeling. Or you try to see something wrong in the heaviness of your body, and you are longing for the Body of Light, which you are not feeling. So move toward what you are experiencing in life, regardless of what it is, because that is your dynamic energy. Any time you are able to go closer to the life you are living, you will change. Hoping, wishing or blaming—none of those is a healthy game, so don’t play that.

Be Your Own Therapist
Why are therapists important? Because they are neutral and create a sacred, protected space for us. Can you be your own therapist? Absolutely yes, when you are able to go beyond your pain identity. When you are fully able to engage, connect and be aware of your pain identity as it is manifesting. When you are able to let it rest, let it dissolve. When you are able to be open enough to let the opposite quality arise. When you are able to see and feel gratitude to a new arising of life. When you are able to fully live, act and manifest from that open place. You can look at all your past stories as a difficult moment, and the self-therapist is fully present there. 

Full Attention in Your Heart
Basically, what I am saying is, love your mom and dad, love their weakness. Whatever pain you have in your heart, bring full attention to your heart, to the pain, the blockages, the painful emotions. They are waiting to be acknowledged and seen. Without being busy and getting caught up and delaying because of all your samsaric stories, bring the light of awareness directly into the heart.