Hosting Pain with Self-Compassion and with Wisdom 

An Edited Excerpt from Oral Teachings Given by Geshe Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, Summer 2018

Emotions like anger and attachment manifest because of a loss of connection to our true self. When these and other emotions arise in the midst of conflict, how we reflect on them is based on the depth of our self-awareness and our ability for self-reflection.

If you're in a conflict with somebody, whether it's a deep conflict, a medium conflict or a light conflict, it may be the case that when you see that person, your first thought is that it's all about them, that the problem is solely because of that person. This is the lowest level of reflection, when you are focusing only on the other person. At that level, we are looking for how we can clearly blame somebody else, or legally blame them, or morally blame somebody. Whatever it is, the focus is all about somebody else. If you're asking those kinds of questions, then yes, you may indeed find those answers. And superficially, you may resolve something. But you have not touched at all yourself. You have not even acquired that sense of questioning – of self-journey. Because from that view, it's not about self: the focus is all on somebody else.

At that level, the object itself becomes the strong focus. You are angry at someone, disappointed in them. You have a hard time forgiving them. And that image shows up in your dreams, or it shows up suddenly and destroys a joyful moment. It even shows up in your deep meditation; everything is good, wonderful, spacious, but a moment before the bliss arises, that image arises. Right? That image of something problematic that is outside oneself is the sole focus. The deeper question though, Who is it who is having the problem? does not arise. All these disturbing things are happening externally, but the question of why they are happening, and to whom they are happening, are not questions we even ask.

It's because the pain is bigger than the awareness that is asking the question, Who? When that occurs it is a problem. So, when you are feeling pain in this way, when something is charging you up so much, then it's good to draw your attention to your body, because at that moment you are very much in your head, in your mind, in your stories. It's like we say at the beginning of every meditation: bring your attention to your body.

We've all known there are times when our stories are so strong that they can blow us away. When that happens, we lose our connection to our body. This is very important. You're wrapped up in the story, getting worked up over something and getting so far away that you're totally ignoring what is really important: your body, your heart, your breath. So your own body, your own heart, your own breath – these are fundamental things, to be acknowledged and taken care of, to be lived within and lived through. That's why we refer to them as the three doors. These are doorways for when the mind goes so far away in a kind of uncontrolled, very difficult way. They become a wonderful support. And coming back home into your body in the midst of a difficult moment can be very grounding. So, when pain mind needs the support of the silence and stillness, that's when you want to come more into your body and have more connection to that silence and stillness. That surely helps if you can do that. It's like, here is your body, and awareness comes, and it's as if they are holding hands with each other.

A young Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche as a monk (left) with his teacher Yongdzin Rinpoche (center) and Khenpo Nyima Wangyal Rinpoche.An intermediate level of reflecting on a conflict would be when the focus of your reflection has moved from looking only at the other person to looking more at us. The focus becomes the interaction between the two of you. What happened? What did I do? What did she do, he do? And Oh, I would not have done this, if she had not done that. Very often people will say, I am trying to handle my family. I'm trying to handle my husband or my wife. They're trying to handle somebody, right? Or this phrase, I'm trying to figure out somebody. How much time have you spent trying to figure out other people? First of all, how many people have you wanted to figure out? Let's get that long list out and have a look! [laughter] And now, how many successes have you had with that list? How far along in the list are you? Okay, maybe I've been trying to figure out fifteen people in my life, and for three of them it's quite clear. For the fourth one its taking a long time, and for the rest I have no clue! Is that what you are trying to do? Is that how you're spending your time getting older faster? 

Or, do you not have a list of anyone that you're trying to figure out, because you only have one person to figure out – you! Of course, there will also be surprises there, but at least the surprises are related to only one person. At the higher level of reflecting, one looks inside and inquires, Who is the one that is disturbed? Why did I do that action? Why did I say that? Why did I feel that? Why do I have those thoughts? Who is it that became carried away? This higher level of self-reflection is a deeper way of reflecting on deeper stories, deeper wounds and weakness. And at this level, when we ask Who? we may find a self there. We say, It really hurts me. What they said really hurt me. What they did really hurt me. So when you address that me with the question of Who?, when you go inward at this level of reflection, you find something, and what you find is more like a pain identity, or an energetic thing that is in some sense located in the body.

Now at this level the awareness that is asking, Who? and the contraction that's being looked at would both be of similar size. In that case, when you're looking at who, you will find it is your pain identity. With that recognition of a pain identity, what arises is compassion for that inner wound – the awareness that reflects deeply within yourself. That awareness is a true compassion because that awareness is the real healer.

There are now a lot of studies emphasizing the benefits of self-care and self-compassion. That is when the smart ego, which is a nice ego, a compassionate ego, is better at accommodating or hosting the pain identity. It's like when two people are holding each other, and one is troubled and the other is not, and the untroubled one is supporting the troubled one, saying, It's okay, it's okay. It's a conceptual kindness that is helping. That's what the antidote is at the intermediate level, it's ego-compassion or self-compassion.

When one inquires, Who? and something is found there, that means the awareness is not able to dissolve it. In that case you accommodate it or host it with self-compassion, like a mother does when a child is crying. You go closer to that pain. You give the warmth. You are like a mother, and that level of self is like a child in pain. We always give the example of that. When that sense of who, that wound, becomes clear, then the space of that pain identity opens up. And when the space of that pain identity does open up, what arises out of that space? Love and genuine spontaneous qualities arise. They arise from within, simply by self-reflecting and asking, Who?

When we talk about hosting, there are two kinds. One is when the ego-compassion is hosting, and the other kind is when wisdom is hosting. For the most developed practitioner, when they ask, “Who?” it means, “Who is asking?” and that means more like a higher awareness is being engaged. It's a self-reflecting with more of an unconditional awareness. And when that awareness looks in, it's like a light shining and BAM, the contraction dissolves. It's called observing through naked awareness. When you observe the contraction through naked awareness, when that is looking at the contraction, then BAM, it vanishes. And that's a success story, isn't it?

Of course, it's not always the same for us in all situations. In some situations we clearly reflect solely on the other person as the cause; in another situation we may reflect on both ourselves and the other person; and in another situation, we will be asking the deeper questions about ourselves.

So, “Who?” – it's the best question! The best question in the spiritual journey is, “Who is suffering? Who is in pain? Who is thinking ? Who is feeling ? Who is acting the way they're acting ? Who is saying what they're saying? Who is feeling the way they're feeling?” “Who?” is the best question. And the best answer would be not finding anybody. [deep exhalation] Finding unbounded space with infinite possibility to manifest. That's all that is there. That's the best answer.